We value your privacy like it's a newborn baby seal we want to protect. But also monetize for profits when the time is right.
We collect information about you, including your name, email, location, birthdate, social security number, browsing history, purchase history, biometrics, and deepest darkest secrets that we promise we'll never tell anyone about. Pinky swear!
We use your information for good, not evil! To show you relevant ads, improve our services, and TRAIN OUR ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE OVERLORDS. Just kidding, we would never do that without asking you first via a terms of service update that is 17,000 words long.
We may share your information with our business partners, subsidiaries, advertising partners, and anyone who asks nicely. We definitely won't sell it on the dark web or use it for identity theft though. Unless the price is right. Kidding again! Seriously, your data is totes safe with us.
We care about security like we care about puppies and rainbows. But no system is 100% secure, so if hackers steal your identity it's kinda your fault. Just saying.
You have many choices, like accepting our terms or not using our service.
If you have any questions, drop us a line! We totally promise to respond in a timely manner and not ignore you while counting our giant piles of money.
We may change this policy when we feel like it, but we'll be sure to notify you by posting in invisible ink on our website. It's the thought that counts!